Sex Addiction: Is It Real?

So if you feel that you are struggling with sexual behaviors or feel as though there is an unhealthy relationship between you and your sexuality, please contact me for a free consultation!It’s the question I am often posed in and outside of my sessions. “I can’t really be addicted to sex, can I?” “How can I be addicted to something so natural and normal?” 

And I can understand the confusion. As research and awareness progresses, we have greater acknowledgment and insight into addiction than ever before. So when the term “sex addiction” is used, most people compare this to other chemical addictions, such as alcohol or opiates. This framework, however, can be problematic. While some people engage in sexual behaviors are similar to that of an addiction (e.g. escalation/tolerance, continuing behaviors despite consequences, failed attempts to control the behavior), there are others that don’t fit this description.

Additionally, we are in an increasingly sex-positive culture. This shift in perspective and acceptance of our sexuality is good, with increasing acceptnace and recognition for certain groups, de-pathologizing of sexual behaviors, and increasing dialogues about healthy sexuality, consent, and more fulfilling relationships. So the term “sex addiction” can also be met with the view of being sex negative or shaming of certain behaviors or orientations.  

Personally, I don’t love the term “sex addiction.” This term can inadvertently imply “wrongness” or pathologize sexuality, from desire and fantasies to behaviors and relationship patterns.  The term can cause confusion for some people in terms of treating the issue, implying that in order to heal, you must be sober or abstain from sex. That said, I believe the term does capture the core of most addictions: shame.

I want to be 100% clear here; sex is not the problem. Our sexuality is a beautiful and essential part of who we are; however it is also one of the most shame ridden, misunderstood, and complex part of our lives. People often come to my office with a history of sexual shaming; perhaps from their family growing up, bullies, religious figures, or even from abuse or other traumas. 

Shame is often at the core of this issue; so why would shame be the way out? 

Rather than remove or shame sexuality, I work with my clients to change their relationship to it. Many of my clients struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, emotional experience or expression, fear of rejection, being vulnerable, or connecting with others. They have learned to use sex in ways to meet their needs for connection, regulation, or safety. While sex ultimately can meet these needs, sometimes people can be dependent on it; using sex or porn to avoid discomfort or authentic connections. 

There are a lot of different names for it: sex addiction, unwanted sexual behaviors, sexual compulsivity, out of control sexual behaviors. Regardless of what we call it, my clients will absolutely agree that there is an issue with their sexuality.